Newsletter April 2011

April 19, 2011
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We strive to bring you the most helpful and up to date information every month, and this month's newsletter is no exception.
You can scroll down through the articles below, or you can click on a headline you like to go directly to that article.

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This Month's Headlines:

Making Decisions for College
Dealing with Teenagers and Discipline
Putting an End to Sibling Rivalry

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Making Decisions for College

This is the time of year when eager high school seniors begin to receive letters from colleges. Some will be thick packets of acceptance letters, while others may have more disappointing news like being waitlisted or even denied. While it may seem like the biggest life-changing moment in your student’s life, there are ways to handle the news, good and bad.

Katherine Cohen, PhD, author of The Truth About Getting In, as well as the founder of two counseling programs ApplyWise and IvyWise, is experienced in helping students prepare for their futures and tackle the tough college choices ahead of them. She offers tips for parents to help their college-bound student through various scenarios.

Waitlisted

If your child is waitlisted there are a few things to take stock of before moving forward. Make sure this school is still his or her first choice. Sometimes another school that has sent an acceptance letter moves into that top choice spot. This isn’t a matter of settling, just a matter of dealing with the new options in front of a student. If your student decides this other school is the one for him or her, go ahead and make a deposit to guarantee a spot at the new school of choice.

If your child is still interested in the waitlisted school there are steps you can take to try to solidify the chances. Cohen suggests students:

• Write a letter to the admissions office. In a positive manner, inform them that the school remains your first choice, and that you would be ecstatic to be chosen for attendance.
• In the body of the letter, describe how you would take advantage of what the school has to offer—from courses you want to take, professors you’re interested in, to what activities you’d like to join. This demonstrates that you will be an active member of their community.
• Keep the college updated on any achievements, whether they are test scores, honors, awards and other recognition.
• Don’t panic. Some schools turn to their waitlist earlier than others, so remain hopeful and patient, but also positive about your other options should you be turned away in the end.

Denied

The most important thing for a parent to do once their child has been rejected from a school is to comfort him or her. Tell your child that this isn’t a reflection of his or her worth as a student or person.

Cohen recommends other steps for coping:

• Have your child meet with the high school college counselor to see what the next steps should be. If the guidance counselor agrees, your child may want to call the admissions office for some feedback on potential weaknesses in the application.
• Research other colleges and programs. Keep an open mind—there may be gap year programs that can enhance your chances of getting in to that school the next year, or your child may find other schools that have meet their needs and desires, including the possibility of a transfer application the following year.
• Parents should never call the admissions office to try to change their mind. Admissions officers take their decisions seriously and are not likely to change their opinion from a phone call; and, they are there to communicate with students and guidance counselors—not parents.

Choices

If your child has been accepted into multiple schools, you can help them gather all the resources to make a final decision. Cohen says to consider the following:

• Financial Aid. This may change from year to year, so it can be a good idea to meet with an aid officer to answer any questions you might have.
• Academic options. Even if you think you are sure, there’s a large possibility a student will change majors. Take a good look at the comprehensive offerings a college gives, so even if you change your mind, you’re certain to be in a great program.
• Other opportunities. Does your school offer study abroad? Are there ample services for career and academic advising? What other resources does the campus offer? Keep these things in mind, as they can go a long way to enhancing your higher education experience.
• Campus culture. Can you see yourself fitting into the student body? Do you feel your ideals and beliefs are reflected in the school’s outlook?
• Outside community. What’s life like outside the college walls? Is the school located in a great city or town with lots to do? Are there restaurants, museums, concert venues and other spots that will help you enjoy a rich social life as well?
• Weather. Visiting campuses in spring can be misleading—most campuses are pretty and sunny. But will you be happy in tough New England winters? What will your commute be from home? How important is this to you and your family?

Cohen suggests taking all this research seriously, but also reminds students and parents that it’s important to follow your gut. If your child can’t picture him or herself being happy for four years, it’s not a good idea to push the school on them. They need to go into this expecting it to be what it will be—an amazing learning experience and an opportunity to open many new doors, intellectually and socially. And for those feeling rejected, remind your child that there isn’t just one right school for them. Many people who attend their second or lower choice school end up being completely happy and fulfilled. Pushing through adversity and disappointment is a great first lesson for any student entering college.

Source: Cohen, Katherine, “When the Letter Arrives: What to Do About College Decisions.” education.com
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Dealing with Teenagers and Discipline

The older your child gets, the harder it may be to find an appropriate and effective form of discipline. But, at this age, having a sense of responsibility and understanding of the effects of your actions is crucial. We all know that yelling at or hitting your teen or pre-teen is never an effective solution for bad behavior. So, just what are sound solutions for a teen in need of some discipline?

Revoking Privileges

Privileges are things parents agree a child can have. It can be a set amount of TV time, a particular curfew, or attending events without a chaperone. If your child abuses these privileges, a fair and effective punishment is to revoke the privilege. This allows children to directly experience the cause and effect of their actions, and places value on those privileges you do give your child as parents.

Grounding

Similar to revoking privileges, this can be a successful punishment for teens with behavior problems. If your child breaks curfew, or other rules you have set up in your house, try to reflect the severity of the offense with the length of time they are grounded for. When teenagers get their social time cut out, they start to realize the benefits of following the rules you have in place for them.

Restitution

“Paying back” for an offense is another strategy parents like to use with unruly teens and pre-teens. The idea is simple—to make your wrong right. This not only helps provide a useful punishment, it also gives your teen the opportunity to reflect upon and make up for their bad actions. For example, if your teenager and his friends do damage to your house while having an unapproved party, a good punishment can be to make your child save his or her allowance until they can pay to replace or fix whatever was damaged. Again, this goes a long way to teaching the repercussions of our actions, and teaches teens to think ahead to the consequences before making a stupid decision.

Talking Back

Typically, the older the child gets, the more likely they are to challenge the rules or talk back to their parents and other authority figures. This is a fine line, as you do want to encourage your child to stick up for him or herself, but also to recognize the difference between speaking his or her mind and questioning the status quo, but without being rude or disrespectful. Teach them that there are right and wrong ways to try to have a discussion about rules or situations they find unfair. Calm, respectful communication is something all adults will need.

Respect Your Teen’s Privacy

This can be hard to do as your children grow up, but it is important to allow teenagers some amount of privacy and the ability to learn on his or her own. If you are always over your child’s shoulder telling him or her what and what not to do, it undermines his or her ability to make sound decisions in the future. Add to the fact that many teenagers are experiencing changes from puberty, peer pressure and other social factors, and having a little space to themselves can be healthy. Just remember to make sure your child knows you are there for support.

Don’t Overdo It

It can be easy for a frustrated parent to overdo discipline. It’s wise to “choose your battles” rather than turning every small offence into a big deal. Sometimes a simple, but thorough discussion is an effective response to a broken rule. It’s important to discipline your child, but overdoing it can drive a wedge between you and your child and keep them from openly communicating with you when they need some guidance.

Talk it Over

Lastly, following the advice above, it’s important to remain in communication with your child as they grow up and face difficult life decisions. If you show your child respect for his or her beliefs and autonomy, they are much more likely to do the same to others. Don’t insult their intelligence, or ability to make decisions for themselves, but rather steer them gently on the correct path. If you’re not sure where to start with communication, a simple “How are you doing today?” can go a long way.

Source: “Disciplining Teenagers.” onetoughjob.org
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Putting an End to Sibling Rivalry

We don’t need to offer example scenarios for you to understand what sibling rivalry can look or sound like. It’s true some siblings naturally get along better than others, and it’s also true that some fighting among siblings is completely normal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t help your children get along better with each other.

Deborah Gold, assistant professor of psychiatry and sociology at Duke University, explains that there is a difference between sibling fighting and actual rivalry. Fights are about “possessions and territory”, while rivalry is more of a conflict involving “villain versus victim” scenarios, often due to parental involvement, despite your best intentions.

Here are a few tips to help lessen the rivalries in your home:

Reconsider Fairness

Possessions and purchases should be given according to need. If your musically-inclined child wants a subscription to a guitar magazine, that doesn’t mean your other child automatically needs a magazine subscription too. Things will even out over time, but be sure you’re not playing favorites.

Avoid Comparison

This is a big one. It’s never a good idea to compare your children’s interests and skills. If one is a math whiz and the other struggles with basic algebra, pointing out this difference can only do damage. Instead, remind your children that they are individuals, with different strengths and weaknesses and that you love them equally.

Validate Feelings

Dealing with siblings can be emotional. Rather than disregard the emotions that come up, let each child know you sympathize with him or her and just want to find a fair solution. Saying something like, “I know it hurts your feelings when your sister won’t let you play with her, but why don’t you find something else to do?” is a good way to show sympathy without taking sides.

Encourage Sharing, but with Boundaries

This is a tricky one, but sometimes there’s room for sharing and sometimes there isn’t. Allow your child to experience both the pleasure of ownership and pride in an object, but also stress the benefits of sharing with siblings. Sharing ice cream is one thing, but sharing a new bike your child worked hard to save for can be another.

Avoid Labels

This goes back to the caution about comparisons. It’s never a good idea to give young children labels. “She’s our studious one,” or “He’s the go-getter in the family,”—comments like this, while probably well intentioned—can create unfair comparisons and competition between siblings. It also suggests that identities are fixed, which might lead to complacence about self-development, when in reality we can all work on our strengths and weaknesses no matter what age we are. Furthermore, labels can allow for hierarchies among siblings, which is almost always grounds for squabbling.

Your children won’t always be best friends, but dealing with their arguments in a fair, balanced and calm manner will always help keep more peace in your house.

Smith, Patricia.“Sibling Rivalry: Raising Kids Who Get Along,” education.com